Bubbles

When my mother died, one of my friends asked me if it was weird to visit because I had to "walk over dead people." I told her it wasn't weird because my mother was there. I never thought about going to a cemetery in any other way. 

In the two decades since I said goodbye to her, the plots around have filled up with new stones. I used to walk and read the stones around. I've seen ones for young children. I've seen ones for the elderly, and I've seen ones for all ages between. There's a stone about two grassy plots over for two pianists who died in an accident. I've probably "walked over them" at some point, but I've never thought of it as such.

This summer, I had a sudden urge to want to go visit. I'd picked up flowers a few days before. When my husband saw them, he looked at me quizzically and asked, "Did I forget something? " No, he didn't. But he's right, I've never purchased flowers before. I told him why I bought them and we decided to all go and visit that weekend. 

I had to think of what my kids were going to do. I honestly can't remember if I'd ever brought both my kids to visit. And they were older now and needed some perception of "fun" in order to stave off whiny complaints. So I decided to bring our bubble machine. 

When we got there, we set up the bubble machine for the kids, and I prepped the flowers for the vase. I sat for a while just watching the bubbles float around us in the light breeze. The kids had fun. I sat and felt like my mother was there with us watching the bubbles. Watching my kids twirl around and chase them. It was both so calming and sad. 

My daughter understood why we went. She knows my mother is dead. She understands everything at a factual level. I don't think the emotions have seeped in and they probably won't for a number of years.

Bubbles made a world of difference.

 

At the same time I wish she could physically be next to me watching my life unfold, I remember there's a good chance if my mother were still here, this wouldn't be the life I have. When I'm truly honest with myself, I don't think I'd choose things to be any other way.