New Traditions

I've reached a point in my life where I've started splurging on myself. I don't go overboard or spend excessively, but by my own standards, I've definitely loosened the purse strings from my former self. Back in August, I was randomly browsing a shoe store and came across these flats on the discounted rack. I'd never purchased anything from this designer before, but they spoke directly to the young teenage girl who still lived inside my now grown-up practical adult self. 

Very blinged out, extra, shoes. Who recognizes the designer? 😛

They were discounted to $56, and I had a coupon that could bring it down another $10. However, $46 + tax was not in my budget to buy these shoes. I even mentally told myself if I could find them for around $30, I would pay for it. 

Normally, I don't fall for things like this anymore because I understand the realities of how useful things are. Beautiful shoes like this don't have many chances to get worn unless I want to wear them to the grocery store, to pick up my kids from school, or to doctor's appointments. Although I could wear these shoes to any of the previously mentioned locations, it would just seem slightly overkill to do so. 

I didn't purchase the shoes that day. But a part of me couldn't shake the desire to buy these shoes. Why was I so fixated on them?

Because a part of me wanted to match my daughter. I had purchased new shoes for her to wear to her piano festivals, and she had picked out a very glittery, blinged-out pair herself. They were meant to be a replacement for the pair she was gifted from a friend which she'd now outgrown. It was an incentive for her to play in-person in front of a judge the traditional way instead of relegating to making videos and submitting them online like many of my students choose to do now. I didn't even tell her she had the option to record. Shhh don't tell her 😆 

Normally, I'm not one to focus on aesthetics or "trends". I never even bothered dressing my daughter up as a baby because it was easier to grab a onesie and some pants. But as she grows up and I get older, the hard truths sink in deeper: we are only as young as we are right now in this moment. And it would be legit cute to match her at music festivals. She would be dressed up to play, and I can wear my extra flats as a teacher volunteer. It could be our tradition to keep alive as long as she wanted to learn piano.

This is something I've always thought about as both a mother and a teacher. Growing up, I had terrible memories of my piano competitions. My mother didn't even go to many because it was easier for her to stay at home. The one I distinctly remember her being at was the spring of 1999. She wasn't sick yet. I had just finished second grade, and it was my second time competing. I played the third movement of a sonatina, and there was a small portion in the middle where I stumbled for a bit. I finished playing, left the room, and the next memory I remember is being in a practice room getting yelled at by my mom. And she wasn't even my teacher. 😓

These are the things that traumatize us. Our parents never intentionally do these things to hurt us, but that's how it comes out: it hurts us. As an adult and a mother, I understand she wanted the best for me. She knew I could play it without stumbling in the middle, and she wanted me to win because she knew I was talented and capable of winning. What memory is an 8-year-old left with? Getting yelled at in a practice room after performing.

I don't want that for my daughter. And I'm her teacher. I don't want her to remember getting yelled at for stumbling during a performance. I want her to remember how fun it was to dress up, to match her teacher, and play on a big, fancy piano at a big school. I want her to remember how fun it was to get dressed, to match her mommy, and play on a big, fancy piano at a big school. And years later, no matter if piano becomes a long lost memory or if she still plays regularly in 30 years, she'll look back fondly on these subtle things which made learning piano fun. 

So this is why I bought a pair of very extra, very glittery flats which I will probably wear 2-3x a year, and it will be worth every penny because of the memories.

You know what the second best part is? I found them for the price I wanted. 🥰