The Hardest Part of Parenting

I used to think the hardest part of raising kids was sick kids. Sick kids ARE super frustrating. Especially when it's puke going everywhere you don't want it to because they do not know how to drop everything and run to the toilet. Non-sick kids are also frustrating when you see them stick their fingers into their mouths in all places after touching all sorts of things and you can just envision yourself in 24-48 hours having a child wake up in the middle of the night screaming because his/her throat hurts and the cold is coming. Sick kids take a lot of love and effort. But that is not the hardest part of raising kids. 

The actual hardest part of raising kids is disciplining them. And I don't mean discipline like raising your voice at them, sending them to time out, or even spanking them. Those are easy. 

We were going to bed the other night and my daughter picks out her clothes for the next day before bed. She opened her drawer to grab her socks and finds that her brother's socks are in her drawer. She's also holding up the pair she wants to wear which also belong to her brother. And she knows this.

I told her to hand me the pair of socks to put back into his sock drawer. She hands me one pair and clings to the other she wants to wear. I ask for the second pair. She unwillingly hands them over and then bursts out in tears. This is where the hard part begins. Because you see, she is wrong. She is absolutely wrong and she knows it. And yet, she is the one crying. I was also at the end of a long day myself after not feeling great, watching the kids, and then teaching my own students. By 8:30 pm, I was ready to get the kids into bed and do my own thing, whatever that meant. 

Her beloved pair of socks with the rainbow trim...I remember pushing her in her stroller at about 9 months old buying this pair of socks so I do not discount her sentimentality one bit.

So first, I had to ask her to complete her outfit selection for the next day, because since she took out the pairs of socks which were not hers and handed them to me, she had not moved an inch. So I firmly asked her to finish picking out the rest of her outfit or there would be consequences. 

Then, I held out my arms, she came over, and I gave her a hug. I. gave her a hug because I wanted to and not solely because I knew that's what she wanted. There are times when I don't want to give her a hug even though I know that's what she wants and needs, but I'm not ready. 

As I hugged her, I began asking her a series of questions.

1. Whose socks are those, yours or your brother's? Brother's.

2. Since they belong to him, who gets to wear them? He does. 

And then I explained. 

They used to be your socks when you were little. But your feet got bigger. So now he wears them because they fit him. They don't fit your feet anymore which is why you don't wear them. You wear socks that fit your feet. I continued by using an analogy to some of my old toys. It's just like when we go to grandpa's house and play with Mommy's old toys. They used to be mine, but I am not a little kid anymore so I do not play with them anymore. You are a little kid so I have passed them onto you to play with. She loves playing with my old things so I think this made my point very clear.

She then asked me if she could have rainbow socks. I told her we could get some for her birthday. So now I have to go find some rainbow socks for her that aren't absurdly priced per pair. And I actually will because part of parenting is following through with what I say. Well I know what's on my to-do list for the next month...

You know why this is hard? Nobody modeled this for us. Had this happened to me as a child, I would have been told, "Give me the socks. They're not yours. Stop crying. Go to bed." End of story. 

Sure, that's discipline. But that's easy discipline. Easy discipline doesn't raise capable adults. Easy discipline raises resentment, frustration, and manipulation. Being a parent now, it's up to me to end the cycle at the next generation. If I want my children to think independently, use good logic, and have wisdom in their decisions, I need to model it, and it starts now. 

I don't always respond like this. There are many times when I revert to old habits that are "familiar" and the situation ends up a little bit different. But this is what I strive for, and this particular incident was probably one of my finer parenting moments. 

That is the hardest part of raising a child.