Top Secret Writing

Today is Lou Gehrig's birthday. It's a random fact I came across when I was doing some fact-checking for this blog. I'm not a baseball fan and I've never been, but I know the generalities of his fame and I know he had a disease. Most people know it as "Lou Gehrig's disease", but it's actually called amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. So why is he actually so poignant in my memories? 

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We were taking a test in 8th grade. My teacher specifically said, "After the test you can do whatever you want," because all they really want you to do is stay quiet and not disturb anyone else. Well, they also don't want you to cheat.

I took my test, didn't talk, didn't cheat off anyone, and turned it in. Then, following my teacher's directions, I pulled out my planner and started writing. It's what I did in 8th grade. I'd write little journal entries or random stream of consciousness in the empty dates we didn't use in our planners - fall break, Thanksgiving holiday, Christmas vacation, etc. These were my secret diary entries. Back then, my planner had some teenage top secret writing. Why did I do this? Because it was something I had with me at all times. It ended up being the most convenient place to jot down random thoughts.

My teacher saw me writing in my planner, got up from his desk, and came over to the side of my desk. Without framing anything, he said to me, "Show me what you're writing." 

Now I'm sitting there, and knowing what I was writing, I said, "No." I had my hand gently covering my planner and looked at him. He may have asked me again, but I don't remember. What I do remember is him grabbing my planner from beneath my hand and reading it. 

My hand smeared the pencil I'd just freshly written.

He read it, gave it back to me, and said, "Oh. It's just a journal entry of some sort." He walked back to his desk, sat down, and the testing resumed. (I doubt any cheating had actually happened during that ordeal, but if it did, it was the most opportune time for it to happen because he clearly wasn't watching the rest of the class.)

I remember what that journal entry was about, not in crystal clear details with vivid descriptions, but I remember why I wanted to write it down. I'd had a dream the night before. In that dream, I had Lou Gehrig's disease, and I was in a wheelchair. 

And that's it.

This event forever changed my view of this teacher. What once was an enjoyable class where I made decent grades turned into dread at having picked a seat right in front of the teacher's desk. (We NEVER changed seats that year BTW.)

Here's what should have happened.

The teacher should have come over and asked to read what I was writing. I would have responded, "No." He should have told me to take my planner and go with him to the corner of the classroom where he could still keep an eye on the rest of the class. Then, he should have asked me privately, "Are you writing down answers from the test?" I would have responded, "No." And he may have followed up with requesting to see my planner to make sure I was being honest. Then, I would have begrudgingly shown him my planner in order to prove my honesty despite not wanting anyone reading my private thoughts. He would have seen what it was about, realized I was not cheating, and we both would have returned to our desks with no less dignity than we started. 

But, alas, that is not how it played out.

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I no longer have my school planners anymore. I got rid of them a while back during a cleaning purge. I didn't catalogue or save any of these journal entries hidden throughout the pages, but that's okay. What's important will be remembered in its own way.

How do you want to be remembered?