A Slice of Time

When I think of losing my mother as an event, it's usually a sad and somber memory. It reminds me of how short our time was, the things I wish I could have changed, and the life we will never get to share with each other. But at the same time, I'm reminded of the wonderful memories and the people who were able to share them with me in the year which followed, fondly remembered as 8th grade.

1. 

I had a friend drop off a teddy bear for me at my house. She didn't come in or anything, just left it for me. She told me later she wanted me to have something to hug or hold when I was feeling sad. It was very sweet of her. She wasn't the emotional/sentimental type. She didn't wear her emotions on her sleeve. She was very hard to read. But she dropped off a teddy bear for me after my mother died.

2. 

A few of my friends made my 14th birthday very special. They decorated my locker at school because that was how friends showed their appreciation for you in middle school. It was the first and only time I'd ever had my locker decorated. They used purple plaid wrapping paper with gold ribbon. A picture of a teddy bear was glued onto it along with some fake flowers, and they'd written Happy Teddy Bear Day instead of Happy Birthday. They knew me so well, and although a little embarrassing, I really loved it. After taking it down, I kept it in my bedroom at home for several years because it was so special to see what my friends had done for me. 

3.

My dad hired a nanny that year. She picked me up from school and then prepared dinner for us while we waited for my brother. After he came home, she'd finish cooking and leave around 5:30. This way, I was never at home by myself. It was a little strange at first, having a nanny as a teenager. Unfortunately, it was short lived. She wrecked her car one afternoon on the way to pick me up. That was the last day I saw her because she wasn't getting another car and therefore could not fulfill her duties. Ironically, it worked out better (in my opinion) because I began to carpool with a friend, and I had about an hour to myself before my brother got home from the high school. Almost every Monday and Wednesday after that, I would spend the first 45 minutes at home talking on the phone. It was nice. Being home alone, talking on the phone with a friend, enjoying my freedom. I was still a straight A student and finished all of my work on time. But that was fun, getting to do something myself without needing to ask permission.

***

I don't talk to anyone on a regular basis from middle school anymore. Am I friends with some of them? Yes. And if I ever ran into them at the store or on the side of the street or by chance in another city, I would definitely stop and say hi. But despite the radio silence, they have a special place in my life which even my husband does not have the honor. They are the people who lived with me through this life-changing event when it occurred. They were the ones who would have AIM conversations with me after school. They were the ones who sat with me in the cafeteria at lunch. They were the ones who knew who I was when it happened, as it happened. And all of those moments are forever sealed in the capsule that is "the year after my mother died."

I don't wish to go back to the year after my mother died. Although fond memories, that's all they are. But these people. These people get to be a part of my memories. I hope they know how special they are for the memories they are a part of.