I was a formula baby. My brother nursed some (or maybe a year) from what I've been told, but I grew up on formula. Supposedly, my mother said it hurt too much the first time and she didn't want to do it again with me. I don't blame her. It's not the most pleasant feeling.
Later as I got older, she'd second guess herself and wonder if I would have been taller had I been breastfed. Of course it would not have mattered because the genetics were already in my DNA. Breastmilk wasn't going to change that. I was just destined to be one of the shorter females in my family.
When my oldest was born, I tried nursing her. I don't think she got very much. She screamed a lot at the hospital. Even the nurses found it a little strange. So they offered alternative feeding options, we asked for formula, and that's what my daughter drank for the first two weeks while my supply was coming in. By about two weeks, I could produce enough to feed her. Unfortunately, I didn't get to nurse her. I tried for a week or so. She would scream and cry and being a new mom, I did not want to deal with that solely for the purpose of nursing. So I exclusively pumped for her.
It's not a glamorous job when you exclusively pump and stay at home with your child. I remember coming home from playing piano for my dad's choir, feeding her with a bottle because she was hungry, pumping because I needed to, and feeling starved because I was hungry and there were too many things to do and not enough time or hands to do it. On another occasion, I had scheduled two lessons with merely a 30 minute break in-between. During that 30 minutes, I had my pump on the kitchen counter and cooked dinner simultaneously because I hadn't had time earlier in the day. This was not something I ever wanted to have to re-live.
It's a huge sacrifice to choose to exclusively pump when you can't or choose not to nurse.
I fed my daughter expressed milk until about two weeks before her first birthday. That was when I ran out. We went back to formula for the remainder of the days before she turned one and switched to cow's milk.
When my youngest was born, I tried nursing him. He seemed fine. He slept a lot at the hospital. It was quiet. He would just nurse for 5 minutes and fall asleep. I wasn't sure if he was getting enough, but he seemed to be okay. About 4-5 days after he was born, I started getting nervous at how yellow he looked. It wasn't extreme and the pediatrician even told me he wasn't worried, but it was past my comfort level. So I started to pump again and bottle feed. He could drink 3 oz in a bottle no problem so I knew he wasn't getting enough nursing. That's when I again, reluctantly, chose to exclusively pump for my second child.
I produced about twice as much milk with my second child than with my first. It was a wonderful problem, but it took up a lot of our freezer space. I had practically an entire chest freezer and garage refrigerator freezer dedicated to storing milk. Truly, a wonderful problem. I didn't have to pump while cooking dinner, and for the most part, I was able to keep my hunger at bay when I needed to without reaching famished levels. It was a much better pumping experience overall.
I stopped pumping shortly after 2021 started. I had taken on more students in my teaching schedule, my husband's work was getting busier, and I was ready to get my life back. I had more than enough milk to feed my son until his first birthday so I was willing to stop early. He turned one a few weeks ago, and we still have a couple months worth of saved milk to go through.
I'm glad my son got to be exclusively breastfed for an entire year. He's the second child, and oftentimes he is treated like the second child, so I'm glad I was able to do this for him. And I didn't want to have the same doubts my mother did, so I tried my hardest to make sure I'd never second guess myself in the future. That's why I kept pumping for as long as I did. And I understand breast pumps were not readily available or covered by insurance 30 years ago. Would that have made a difference in my mother's decisions? Maybe, but I'll never know for sure. And it doesn't matter. I'm not angry with her and I don't resent her decisions regarding how she fed me for the first year.
But I did one-up her. And I think she would be okay with that. 💕
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