How Are You Doing?

My daughter and I were taking a walk around the neighborhood yesterday. When we were looping back around to go home, we passed one of our neighbors out working. We've seen this neighbor many times before and said hi to each other. Then he asked me how we were doing. I replied the same, "We're good." like I usually do when asked. Being that my neighbor and I only interact with each other when we both happen to be outside at the same time, I didn't think much about it, but then he looked at me questioningly and asked again, "You sure?" I hesitantly said yes again, my daughter was saying something about his car, the moment was gone, and we parted ways.

And then I started thinking, and I couldn't stop. I started thinking about the current events. I started thinking about what was happening around us. I started thinking about the world. I started thinking about my past experiences and happenings. And suddenly, I saw everything with a new light. 

***

About 10 years ago now, I was at a friend's house with her and her husband. She was Asian American, although more American, and he was Caucasian. I was single at the time, and he was telling me about how white guys loved Asian girls and how I should go date a white guy. I politely declined, and he kept going about how a lot of white guys out there would kill to be with an Asian girl. I was pretty confused by what he was saying. I'd never felt like a white guy wanted to date me and I never had a desire to date a white guy. 

Now I understood what he was talking about: the Asian fetish. Perhaps he didn't mean it that way. Or maybe he was doing it without realizing. This is not to say mixed race marriages, especially those with Asian women and Caucasian men don't work. But regardless, it exists, it's out there, and it's horrible.

***

A few years ago, my friend was hosting a birthday party and she rented a space on the top floor to use. I arrived early to help her set up. When she let me in, one of the first things she said to me was, "There's some guys who are still in the room and they're not leaving." She was paying to use this space, and it was annoying to have to ask the previous people to leave because they were overstaying their time.

When I got up there with her, the first thing I did was ask them to leave because we needed to set up and our time started 20 minutes ago. The guys, white guys, looked at me and gave me this "What's the big deal?" look. I gave them some time to see if they'd start wrapping up and moving. They didn't, so I said something again. And this time, they finally started making motions to wrap up and leave, although it was very slow and not urgent at all. 

They saw us rearranging the chairs and tables in the space and offered to help us move some. Heh. By the time they left it was close to 30 minutes after their time had ended.

***

In light of current circumstances and thinking back on this particular incident, I wonder if things would have been different had there been a guy with us. I wonder if things would have been different if one of us or all of us were blonde hair blue-eyed white girls. 

You know what should have happened? What should have happened in a respectable society without racism, sexism, prejudice, or bias is I would have asked them to leave, they would have apologized for running late, packed their things up, and left or at least moved their conversation outside of the room. That's what should have happened. 

But it didn't. 

***

In Chinese, we have a phrase which translates to "losing face." It's more commonly understood as shame. And we're taught to avoid it. You keep the peace, you don't rock the boat, you don't speak out. I break a lot of these Asian cultures and I do things that would fall under "losing face." But I don't care.

You want to know how I'm doing? You want to know what I'm thinking? I'm very very angry. I'm angry at our culture for unintentionally allowing these things to fester and grow. I'm angry with the ways Asian culture wants us to fit into their mold of what is "good." I'm angry at the ways we were taught growing up because it has secretly been our demise. I'm angry at how Asian culture is so good at putting down each other, itself, when we really should have been putting down racist comments of others. I'm angry that I'm now realizing these things and I understand the weight of it and what it means and I have to teach my children how to live and survive in this world. I'm angry that when I do teach them, it's going to destroy a part of their youthfulness and innocence and happiness. I'm angry at all the times I should have done or said something but didn't because I was trying to be that good Asian person. I'm angry at society and how anti-Asian as well as other racist sentiments are not taken seriously and minimized.

***

I don't curse or use bad words because I don't believe in their power. I actually tried to curse once intentionally as a teenager, and it just felt awkward coming out of my mouth.  I know the power of words comes from their meaning, their depth, their tone. Curse words are just letters like any other word. H. T. I. S. F. C. K. U. 

Tone speaks more than words. And as you read this, imagine that I'm raging and angry and glaring at you with piercing eyes and speaking with a slow, calculated seriousness.

We come back stronger.