Wisdom

 This. Year. Flew. By.

Who else feels that way about 2021? A lot of it was a blur, really. Maybe it's a pandemic thing. Maybe it's a mother thing. Maybe it's an adulting thing. Time just seems to fly faster and faster. 

This year, I felt wiser. I actually started to feel like I was an adult making adult decisions and being wise. That's not to say I wasn't wise before this year, but this year, I started to feel it. 

About four to six months ago, we took my children to a more secluded playground with less people. When we arrived, nobody was there. Shortly after, another family came and their kids started playing on the playground as well. Their guardian went off to the side and sat on the grass while the kids played. 

The two kids were older than my children and playing by themselves. At one point while watching my kids play, I sat on the play structure and was sitting in front of one of the pathways. I heard one of the other kids come up the structure, and I correctly assumed he would want to cross through where I was sitting. No sooner than I had processed this thought in my head, I heard him say, "Move."

I calmly turned around to face him after his rude request and said, "Can you ask me in a nicer way?" 

He replied, "How do I do that?" Now this, I wasn't expecting. This boy looked to be at least 10 years old, so for him to ask me how to do that was slightly baffling. Had he really not learned how to politely ask a request? 

I told him, "You can say, 'Excuse me, can you please move?'" He asked me again by repeating what I had just told him, and I scooted over so he could walk across.

10 years ago, had a kid told me to move, I would have just moved to get it over with. Five years ago, had a kid told me to move, I would have probably still just moved to get it over with. Something changed after I had my own children. There's a phase in Chinese I think of to describe it. Translated, it would mean bold or audacious. These were not words I would have described myself with growing up. But somehow being wiser has brought it out in me.

***

This year, I started reading again. I know, I say again because I read a lot in college because I had to for my major. Guilty secret: I don't actually enjoy reading that much. I have to be in a mood for it and I have to mentally prepare myself to read. Also, I think most days I'm really too tired to read because if I read, I get sleepy. 

Despite all that, these are the books I read this year, and all within the last six months or so. 

Three are YA fiction, three are just fiction, and one isn't pictured. I tried really hard to read Great Expectations again but the book isn't at my house and it was really hard for me to get through it, and reading on an iPad at that. I made it about a third of the way through and lost my momentum. Sorry Charles Dickens, I'll try again later. It's not my fault he got paid by the word...

I read Enchantment in high school and Voyage in the Dark in college. Both of these books I enjoyed the first time but simply didn't feel like I fully understood the depth of it. I was also 16 and 20, respectively, probably too young to actually get either book at the time. Now, reading them in my 30s (😱 seeing that typed out) they were so much more interesting and captivating. If you haven't read Enchantment and you like historical fiction/fantasy, you should definitely try it. 

As I look at these books, I actually see a theme of wisdom (or lacking wisdom) throughout all of them. I don't think that was intentional, or maybe subconsciously, it was. 

Next year, I'm hoping to read a little more. I haven't read every book on my bookshelf, and there are a lot I would like to reread again. Maybe this is my unofficial resolution. 

Here's to 2022.

The Art of Retail

Since Covid hit nearly two years ago, our leisure shopping has decreased significantly. Only this fall did we start actually going out to "browse" with the kids, and even then, the trips were no more than 20-30 minutes inside the store tops. Thinking about the way germs spread and being in an enclosed space indoors has really affected some of the things we used to do. Right before the pandemic hit, my husband took some super cute pictures of our daughter sitting in chairs and playing with toys at Walmart and Target during my last semester of pregnancy. I would teach in the evenings and he would take her out during my lessons so I could teach in peace and she wasn't asked to be quiet.

In the winter of 2021, my daughter and I finally ventured out shopping again. I had taken her with me to run an errand and deliver some things. After our delivery, I took her to Home Goods. This was one of our favorite stores to peruse before we had kids and even before the pandemic. Almost exactly three years ago, we had taken her to the same store. She wasn't walking at the time and we pushed her around the store in her stroller. There was a giant stuffed penguin at the store for sale that day and we took a picture with it. 

Three years ago. One of us looks very different. Two of us look the same 😉.

She and I went into the store and briefly passed their Christmas aisle. I took her to browse the wall of kitchen tools, and then we made it to the toy section. She and I looked at toys for a while. Then I told her I wanted to look at my stuff and we browsed the beauty aisle. She told me she wanted to go back and look at toys. I obliged and we walked back to the toy section. She wandered around some more and we made it to one corner.

I found a Baby Shark mini tablet and pressed the music button. It started playing Baby Shark. Just days before, I had played around with the piano app on my iPad while she was next to me and came across the tune for Baby Shark. I played through it once and moved onto other things. For days after I'd hear her humming the melody or making up her own words to the tune. This girl has an ear! She hears something once and I'll hear it from her days later with her own rendition. I can't wait to start teaching her piano, but boy am I not looking forward to the sass she might give me when she realizes it's more than just fun and games. 

She and I stood there for a very long time listening to the Baby Shark song. She'd press the button, look at some other toy, and press it again after it stopped despite looking at other toys. Then, she asked me if I was going to buy it and take it home. I didn't give her a direct answer first, but after messaging Daddy and doing some googling online, we came to the conclusion that I was not going to buy it. I told her she could keep playing with it in the store but we couldn't take it home with us. So she kept pressing the buttons and listening to the music. 

The Baby Shark toy she played with for a long time.

Then, I told her to put it back because Mommy wanted to look at one more thing before leaving. Well, we ended up looking at like 10 more things. I wandered a puzzle section. We made it back to the kitchen housewares section and looked at sheet pans and kitchen shears. Finally, we were ready to checkout with our two items (and no toys!). She looked at a few more things while we waited to checkout but put everything back when I asked her to.

Normally I don't give a play by play of my shopping trip, but this is monumental. I haven't shopped like this in almost two years. When Covid first hit and I went inside a grocery store to shop in-person after a month of going nowhere, I started to make my grocery lists twice: once to list the items and a second time to reorder them in order of how the store was arranged. Leisurely shopping? What is it?!

We spent an hour and a half inside the store browsing and walking around. I had my daughter with me, I didn't buy any toys, and nobody had a meltdown. It was amazing. 

Daily Musings

When we moved into the neighborhood, I told myself I wanted to meet the neighbors and get to know some of them. It just felt more friendly that way and I wouldn’t feel awkward running into them. Pre-covid, we knew about three neighbors really well and a few more by name. 

Since covid, we’ve met another handful and now we know over 10 neighbors. A few days ago, I loaded the kids up to walk around the neighborhood and deliver our Christmas cards. We stopped at the first house and rang the doorbell. After a bit, the dad came to the door and we gave him our card. We chatted very briefly before we parted ways. The wind was a lot stronger than I had anticipated so 55 degrees felt much colder than I thought. I told myself I'd go next-door, deliver one more card, and then go home. We went next-door and rang the doorbell. We waited a little while, and I didn't think they were going to open the door so we started back down the steps. Then, our neighbor opened the door and we had a delightful little conversation with him. 

When we left his house, I decided to keep going. The wind felt stronger because we were walking on a north south street and the wind was blowing north. I told myself once we turned the corner and started on an east west street, it would feel much better. In fact, it actually did. We walked to the street one over from ours and went to deliver a card to a sweet neighbor we'd met last year during Covid. She had randomly opened her door one day and came out to talk to us. I think my son was only about six months old at the time. And now he was telling her "buh-bye." 

Our last house on the way back was the neighbor directly across the street from us. I still remember driving up to see our house when it was for sale and parking in front of their house because that's the direction my car was facing. I remember thinking to myself that their house had lovely curb appeal. Shortly after we moved in, they had their front door painted a shade of maroon. Aggie maroon. I told them I was a longhorn but would not be painting our front door burnt orange. They invited us in to show the kids their Christmas decorations. I pushed our stroller about 2/3 of the way up their steps so it wasn't sitting in the middle of the sidewalk below. 

We stayed and had a lovely chat and the children were able to explore and peruse the rooms of their house. In the middle of our visit, he received a phone call. Turns out, it was the neighbor across from their house who lived next-door to us. He was calling because he saw something that looked like a homeless person's cart in front of their house. Our neighbor laughed and joked it was his wife's. Then he told him it was our stroller. Everyone had a good laugh. 

The kids checking our their ride.

When my daughter started telling me she was hungry, I knew it was time for us to make our way home and get lunch ready. As we made our way to the front door, she found another room to explore and somewhat forgot about being hungry. Children...gotta love them. 

We arrived home and I told my husband about the stroller story. He laughed. Somehow I ended up picking the worst day to take a walk around the neighborhood and deliver Christmas cards, but it turned out to be such a fun morning. We do love our neighbors :) 

A Cinderella Story

When I was little, I was obsessed with Cinderella's glass slipper. I remember my childhood Cinderella book and I'd stare at the pictures of her blue gown and glass slippers. I vividly remember the scene from the movie where the slipper sits atop a pillow and they animate a sparkle gleaming from the shoe. Really, all those tiny details Disney added in went straight to my soul. 

As a child, I really wanted my own glass slipper. Swarovski makes a glass slipper as part of their crystal collection, but at $100+, I said no thank you. I was also intelligent enough to know I didn't actually want something breakable, because chances were, I was going to break it. So instead, I wanted a "glass" slipper ornament made out of some other material that wasn't breakable. Over the years I saw many renditions of Christmas ornament heels. Most were glittery and sparkly, some were acrylic, but none were mine.

You can find Christmas ornaments which look similar to this for a few dollars.
Pretty depending on the perspective you're taking, but not what I wanted.

As I grew up, I fell in love with a miniatures collection called Just the Right Shoe. I'd see the collectibles pop up in magazines here and there. The closest I ever got was cutting out the pictures and saving them in notebooks.

An example set of Just the Right Shoe on a display shoe.

I eventually gave up on my dream of ever owning my own Cinderella slippers. The years went on and I got married. We started a tradition of buying a meaningful ornament every year to add to our Christmas tree. Since then we've purchased eight ourselves and been gifted many with the births of our children. I even turned some old souvenirs into ornaments by hanging them up with string. 

My kids love checking out the tree.

While casually discussing Christmas gifts, my husband asked me what I wanted, and I randomly told him I wanted a glass slipper ornament. I told him it had to be a certain kind with a certain appearance. I wasn't the young child who was fascinated by all things shiny with glitter anymore. So I did a quick search online and actually found one which didn't break the bank and actually looked the way I wanted it to. And he ordered it, no questions asked. 

The perfect balance of elegance and charm and within budget!

I didn't grow up hungry or poor or lacking in any physical sense. All my needs were met sufficiently, but like Cinderella, I did not grow up with a lot of joy or fun. Christmas wasn't a big deal at our house. Our gifts sometimes consisted of rewrapped existing toys so we could simply open an actual gift. My husband has helped bring back the joy and fun I missed out on growing up, and for the first time, I have my own Cinderella "slipper."

(Technically, this is my second slipper..if you want to read about my first "slipper" check out a post from three years ago here.)

Ugly Delicious

After my son was born, an auntie dropped off food for us. One of the dishes she brought was ketchup shrimp. It was delicious. I hadn't had this dish in years and tasting the sauce on the shrimp reminded me of my childhood. After that, I looked up a recipe.

The recipe I found was from The Woks of Life. I read the recipe and kept the page open on my iPad for over a year. It would be one of my 5+ tabs open at any one time, and it stayed there for a long, long time. Why didn't I try making it? After all, we have shrimp at home almost at all times. I think it was mostly fear and a couple of other excuses.

- Fresh shrimp tastes better than frozen so you get more flavor out of it.

- I love head-on shrimp. If I'm going to take the time to make a beloved dish, I was going to go all out. 

- I'm not a big risk taker so if it's a new recipe, I have to mentally prepare myself first.

One afternoon, I went grocery shopping and decided on a whim to buy head-on shrimp. We used part of it during hot pot after the kids went to sleep so we could eat in peace. We haven't done a hot pot meal at our house for nearly two years. It was a lovely at-home date. For the rest of it, I decided to go for it and make the ketchup shrimp recipe.

I really love their blog and the recipes they post. I've learned a lot of Chinese food from their blog, so if there's a dish you enjoy and are curious how to make it, chances are it's on their blog. 

My ketchup shrimp turned out beautifully. 

I love head-on shrimp. I just can't explain. I know it grosses out a lot of people, especially people who didn't grow up with food that's beyond chicken and potatoes. But the extra flavor you get from having the head on is worth it. 

Let me tell you, this dish brought me back. If a flavor inside your mouth could transport you back to a distinct memory, this one did it for me. I felt like I was a little kid again sitting in our kitchen table at our old house with yellow-flowered wallpaper, propping my chair up on its back legs and leaning against the window ledge. The sauce combination in this dish was so distinct to me as a flavor I loved and hadn't had in so long.

Anyone else have that one dish which brings them back?

A Themed Birthday

I had two birthday parties growing up, and neither of them had themes. My first themed birthday was actually this year! It was unintentional but just conveniently worked.

Unfortunately, my youngest got sick the weekend before my birthday so on my actual birthday, we didn't do very much. We did get takeout from bbq chicken, a new chain of Korean fried chicken which opened sometime last year. The first time we ordered from them, I wasn't impressed. So we reverted back to our old kfc favorite restaurant for a few orders. Then, recently, we decided to give bbq chicken another try, and I was much more impressed. I don't know if it's because it's the second time we had it, my tastes have changed, or if it was actually better. But I enjoyed it much more the second time.

Then there was my card. My husband and I have been DIYing birthday cards for many years now. Occasionally we've purchased cards if we were short on time, or like the time I was pregnant and puking during my husband's birthday so he received his birthday card about a month later. True story. Well this year, my husband made me a card and put a specific penguin on the front of the card. It's a penguin from a scene of a k-drama we watched together.

Well, we found the specific penguin online. The only retailers who sold it were Asian companies and potential scam websites. After doing some research and scouting, we decided to take a chance from this one website which looked the least sketchy. It wasn't a cheap stuffed animal, but it wasn't unreasonably expensive for being a "famous" plush. We still weren't completely sure if it was going to be a scam or not, but to mitigate the consequences of a potential scam, we used our fanciest credit card so if we were going to have to report a scam, the credit card customer service would have been a little nicer. That was the hope, anyway. 

Thankfully, we didn't have to find out because it wasn't a scam! 11 business day later, it arrived! 

Shipped all the way from Asia in Asian style wrapping
and sewn shut with string like a rice bag! iykyk.

I might be the only one who feels this way, but even after marriage and two children, I feel like I'm aging backwards. At the very least, on the inside. 😜

Happy 18th birthday to me! 😂 just kidding.

Punished for Promptness

I’ve been someone who likes to get things done on time. My English teacher during my junior year of high school had a wonderful system where if we turned in our essays before the due date, we would earn five extra points because it allowed her to spread out her grading instead of receiving and grading 30 papers all at once.  You bet I capitalized on those bonus five points every time. I didn’t always write phenomenal papers, but those five points occasionally meant the difference between a B and an A. 

However, there've been three distinct times in my life when being prompt did not work in my favor. 

1. When I was in high school, we wrote essays for orchestra. Each year we got assigned our orchestra essay in the beginning of the year, and each year, most people would wait until about April to actually write them and turn them in before they were due. In April. The first year, that's kind of what I did. I was a freshman and I didn't really know what I was doing my entire freshman year. Sophomore year, I knew better. I planned the concert I'd attend and would write about and had everything done early. On the first day the teacher was accepting essays, I turned mine in. There was no special recognition or anything for being the first, and that's okay because I didn't expect anything. I was simply glad it was completed.

About a week later, my teacher had some candy and she randomly made the announcement that if anyone turned in their orchestra essay, they'd receive a piece. Nobody had their essay ready right at that moment, but I'd already handed mine in, and I did not receive a complimentary piece of candy for having already turned it in. I didn’t care about the candy. It was never about the candy. But why make a random statement a week later AND forget about the essay which had already been turned in? Maybe she didn't want to single me out. But if you're going to offer candy aren't you trying to single someone out?

2. Years later when I was at a conference, the director emailed about sending him rooming requests for the hotel. I sent him a reply with my roommate request that very same day. I never received a confirmation email from him saying he'd received my email, but confirmation emails get lost these days. So, fine. I didn't think about sending a follow up one to see if he'd received it because he was a busy person with lots to do. 

At the conference, I saw my room assignment and it was not rooming with the person I had requested. I didn't complain about it or tell anyone, but my friend and I knew something went wrong and it wasn't on our end. 

3. I purchased an item from a newly launched website to support a business. I received my item and was generally pleased with it. After a few months, I noticed the prices had lowered. Now these weren't temporarily lower prices. These were permanently lowered prices as far as I could see on the store's website. Including the special promo discounts which were still valid, I could have saved over $20 had I been lazier about supporting this business. That's a huge disappointment from a customer perspective because my fervent support upon the initial launch meant I paid more money. Shouldn't it be the other way around? 

It's a shame because I was going to buy more products, but after this happened, I haven't because I don't feel valued as a customer. My early loyalty was actually penalized. 

**

My memory is probably better than most to remember these seemingly minute details about life, but even the "insignificant" events shape me to be who I am today. Have these affected my perception of being prompt and timely? In some ways, yes, they have.

My Favorite Name

My kids are at great ages right now. 18 months is fun because it's still "baby" enough to have the cute and adorable aspects of having a baby but grown enough to play independently, walk, and chew unmashed food. 3 is nice because she's old enough to follow instructions, be potty trained, and even assist me around the house in simple tasks. 

My kids have also been on and off sick for the last 4 months straight. That's what it seems like anyway. When we have one sick child, the house kind of divides because I try my hardest to separate them as to not spread the germs. We end up doing 1:1 with the child which favors each of us best. That means 120% of the time, I get my daughter, because when she's inconsolable, she doesn't want to see anyone else except me.

I like spending time with my daughter. It makes me feel slightly guilty not to see my son as much, especially him being the second child. But my daughter is fun. She talks a lot and we have conversations. One evening, I took her out on a walk, just the two of us. We held hands and walked two whole streets up and down in our neighborhood. 

While walking, she would tell me thinks she was observing or ask me questions regarding our surroundings. 

Mommy, look, it's a bird. 

Mommy, look, it's a flag. 

Mommy, why is there a flag there? 

Mommy, look, it's a squirrel. 

And she'd continue telling me things or asking me things. And she'd hold my hand and we'd walk slowly around the neighborhood and soak in the outdoors. Sometimes she'll say sentences in English, sometimes they're in Chinese. But Mommy is always in English.

Thankful for days I don't teach so I can take evening walks

This phase won't last forever. Children are constantly changing, faster than I can realize. I don't know when or if she'll stop being so inquisitive and observant. I don't know when she'll stop wanting to tell me everything she has to say. But for now, it's nice. 

Shelf Cooking Part 2

If you missed my first week of shelf cooking, check out the post here.

My second week of shelf cooking did not go nearly as well as the first week. We started off the week with chicken tikka masala which my husband and I enjoyed. The kids had some random fried rice here and there and I cooked a pork dish. We did a meal of frozen dumplings and Costco pizza. We also had leftovers to finish from when my husband's parents came to visit. So week two was more of survival mode and eating whatever we could. 

This is an older photo from a previous time I made chicken tikka masala.
When you're shelf cooking you have to forego the scallions and cilantro.

By Thursday and Friday, I had done some grocery shopping again so I could cook some more dishes. On Friday, I was also bringing friends a meal for their meal train so I made a double batch of everything so we would eat the other half at home. Great way to motivate you into grocery shopping and cooking: cook for someone else! 

We ended the week with sushi since I was going to be in the area of our favorite sushi restaurant during dinner time. I placed an order over the phone and picked it up on my way home. 

Let me be honest. Shelf cooking the first week was fun. It was exciting and "cool" to be cooking from things we had at home. It felt like the most efficient way to be lazy. The second week? Not so much. If you ever shelf cook, don't do it two weeks in a row, and don't do it for longer than a week. 

We're slowly returning back to a normal routine of grocery shopping and meal prepping again, but shelf cooking for two weeks was an eye-opening experience.

Shelf Cooking

Last week, we had a friend over for lunch on Sunday and we ended up talking for the entire afternoon. We really enjoyed our time with our friend, but unfortunately, it meant I lost my day to do my weekly cooking preparation. 

I was too lazy to go grocery shopping after that so we ate an entire week of meals planned through shelf cooking. Shelf cooking is defined by cooking with ingredients you already have. For me, that means using frozen meats, frozen vegetables, canned vegetables, or refrigerator staples. I did go to the grocery store during the week to pick up some staples such as milk, eggs, and bread, but I actually didn't buy any other fresh vegetables to cook the dishes we ate throughout the week because I didn't need any.

The first week of shelf cooking, I made:

1. Pesto: dry pasta, pre-made pesto I make myself and save in jars in the fridge, olive oil, canned chicken (optional)

2. Chili: dry beans, canned tomatoes, onion, frozen ground beef, spices

3. Seafood omlettes: eggs, frozen mussels, frozen shrimp, spices

4. Asian vermicelli (very similar to 蚂蚁上树): mung bean noodles, frozen peas, frozen ground pork, eggs, frozen shrimp, sauces and seasoning

5. DIY lunchables: pepperoni, cheese cubes, crackers

6. Homemade pizza: pizza dough yeast, pepperoni, shredded cheese, spaghetti sauce, Italian seasoning

This was my first time doing a full week of shelf cooking and it turned out great! This is a far cry from what you typically think of as last-minute meals: PBJ, instant noodles, canned soup. We did have an occasional meal here and there with supplemented frozen food such as frozen dumplings or frozen Cane's chicken (we buy a tailgate, freeze it, and reheat in 6-8 pieces at a time for a meal. They're delicious reheated when you reheat them properly!) But our shelf cooking week was quite successful. 

This is mainly possible due to keeping certain things on hand at all times. 

In the pantry, this includes things like pasta, pasta sauce, canned tomatoes, dry beans, and dry Asian noodles. In the refrigerator, I stock items like cheese, pepperoni, or eggs. For the freezer, this includes almost anything: frozen meats, frozen seafood, frozen vegetables, I even keep frozen butter and sometimes frozen bread. Covid taught me a lot about how to freeze foods to save for later. 

There were a few fresher staples I used which included onions and potatoes. These are fresh vegetables which have a longer shelf life when stored properly. So this allowed me to use them in the dishes I mentioned above without having bought them specifically for this week's menu. I even made homemade French fries in the oven to go with our frozen Cane's!

If you've never tried shelf cooking before, or never shelf cooked for this long, I hope reading about my menu for the week has inspired you to be more creative even on weeks when you don't grocery shop :) 

Stay tuned, we're having another partial shelf cooking week! I'll be sharing how we did it a second week in a row while still cooking a variety of food! 

Entertainment

I watched a prime time game show for the first time in a long time. I used to love watching game shows. My favorites as a child growing up were Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy, and The Price is Right. Later on, I discovered the old classic game shows from before I was born: Let's Make a Deal, Concentration, Password, and Match Game. Who knows which one Alex Trebek hosted before he hosted Jeopardy? 

This game show was sadly a long shot from these other game shows I've watched and enjoyed. Maybe you watched the very same show and even perhaps saw the very same episode I watched. The whole time as I watched, I just kept thinking to myself, this could be very bias, and nobody would ever know. 

It's hosted by two hosts. We'll call them Host 1 and Host 2. There are two teams of four players competing for money. Host 1 is with one team, Host 2 is with another. They play a series of games with the hosts to try to win a chance to play the final game for the lump sum. I saw many issues of why I would not ever want to be on this game show because there is so much room for bias. 

Game shows typically consist of two different factors: luck and knowledge. Let's Make a Deal is almost pure luck and mind games. Jeopardy is almost completely based on head knowledge/trivia (and reflexes). Shows like The Price is Right use a little bit of both, although the knowledge is heavily consumer knowledge and not any trivia. 

This particular game show had too much room for bias because each of the hosts participates in the games with the two teams and influences their score as well as how much money they earn. In the first game I watched, the host gave word clues to try and help the team member guess the secret word, much like Password. In the second game I watched, the host was guessing celebrities who were being described by the team member. That's a lot of trust to have in these two hosts to know they're not purposely taking longer to give an answer just to run the clock. Or when they impulsively give a response which may not have been the best clue to use. 

Why is the host playing such crucial roles in determining how successful these teams are in their scoring? 

Entertainment.

Game shows used to be about watching someone sit in a hot seat contemplating multiple choice questions for an excruciatingly long time to try and win a million dollars. Game shows used to be about watching someone spin the big wheel and hope they get lucky and land on the $1.00 space to go to the showcase showdown. Game shows used to be about watching someone guess a number from 1-3 and sigh in disappointment with them as their curtain revealed a real live billy goat. 

This game show has shifted the key interest to the hosts themselves rather than the contestants because they are the ones with the crucial roles in each of the games. I purposely have not mentioned any specific names of the hosts or the game show itself to leave out any influencer bias. But there's a chance you may have figured it out on your own. 

The majority of people watching don't even know it. Unless you're someone like me who has thought these things through in the process I did, you didn't even notice. Because you simply saw that this show was hosted by Host 1 and Host 2, and nothing else mattered.

And that's exactly what they wanted.

Canonized

 It had been bothering me for 10 years on and off. It was the last paper I wrote for his class in college. We were told to choose a piece of literature we thought worthy of being in the literary canon. Being a flustered college junior at the time anxiously awaiting to finish the last of her classes in order to get into full-time student teaching and graduate early, I picked a novel I was already reading, wasn't terrible, and fit the requirements so I thought: Jane Eyre. 

Now, Jane Eyre is not a terrible book by any means. I'm sure there are many fans of this novel who would have written a fabulous essay on why it should be a part of the literary canon. Unfortunately, that person was not me, and the essay I wrote was only slightly convincing of its canonical merit. It was my lowest scoring essay of his class for the semester, and I always remembered. 

This professor and I stayed in touch minimally over the years. We may have corresponded 2-3 times since I graduated. It took 10 years for me to have the courage to send him an email, and not only to tell him I wish I had written my essay on another book, but also which book I should have written it on.

Why was I so scared all these years? The book I wanted to choose, and still choose today, pales in difficulty to Jane Eyre. As an English major and graduating senior, choosing a book of importance to be canonized means a high-level, scholarly book, right? That's what I thought, and it took me all these years to finally come to terms with the fact that I thought wrong, and it was perfectly all right.

The book I should have chosen was a book I'd first read as an elementary school student. I read it again in 7th grade as required reading in English class that year. I read it again a few years later. And I read it again this summer. Each time I've read it, I've pulled away different philosophies, lessons, and themes. All of them have been there all along, but it took different life stages and different versions of who I was as a person to see them. 

I should have picked Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech. I've thought about rewriting that paper just to feel like I was being true to myself, but let's be honest. Nobody has any use for me to be writing a literary essay anymore. So instead, I'll share about it here.

1. Walk Two Moons is accessible to people of all ages and abilities. It could be for a challenge for an advanced 4th grader, which is about the time I discovered it. It could be just right for an on-level or below average 8th grader, or a refreshing, simple read for an adult. The protagonist is 13-years-old, so obviously it was written to appeal to the young adult audience of approximately middle school age. But as I mentioned before, I read it many times, and it still spoke to me each time.

2. The book is unpredictable. There are cliffhangers left at the end of multiple chapters, and the ending is not what you expect it to be. When reading it for the first time, it hooks you in a way that you want to keep going. The way it's all woven together is quite ingenious really. The first time I read the book, it took three days. The second time I read it, I finished it in one. And I am not a fast reader.

3. The book provides multiple perspectives depending on the reader's age and experience. Reading it at different periods of life allows the reader to relate to different characters. A middle schooler would relate to Phoebe or Salamanca whereas an adult reader would relate to Mrs. Winterbottom or Mr. Hiddle. 

If you know me, you'll know I relate very personally to Salamanca. That's one of the biggest reasons why I've always loved this book because it made me feel like there was someone out there, albeit fiction, who understand and experienced exactly what I was going through. But the older I've gotten, I've come to realize the true importance of where this book earns its title. And how little people take the time to walk two moons...in someone else's moccasins. 

A Day in the Life: Pizza and Geckos (but not together)

I made pizza with my children this morning. Both kids stood in the learning tower and my oldest helps me dump the ingredients into the bowl. We count the number of cups and spoons that go in, but she has no idea what she’s counting. I’m the one doing mental math to convert 1 1/2 cups into 3 half cups. To save on dishes later, you know.

She used to do this by herself with me while he napped, but today, it worked out to where he was awake. He did not help much, but every now and then he’d grab the sheet pan or pat the dough or peer down the side of the bowl to see what was inside. Every time he saw his sister drop a spoonful of powdery material into the bowl he’d giggle. I make it sound a lot more relaxing and enjoyable from the parent perspective, but trust me, there was a lot of panic and anxiety, too. 

When we were putting on the sauce and toppings, all he wanted to do was grab the cheese and eat it. So that’s what he did. 

Once the pizzas were in the oven baking, I started to clean up a bit and that’s when it hit me. 

I forgot the yeast. 

When I was rolling the dough I noticed it felt stiffer, less workable. I remember thinking to myself, wow, I thought this recipe normally needed more flour, now I feel like I put the right amount and I need more water. Well, unfortunately for me, it was already all rolled out, topped, and in the oven baking when I realized. So we ate some unleavened pizza.

In the evening during our bedtime routine, I saw two geckos by our front door. I told my husband in Chinese to get them and he later walked in holding both geckos. I'm impressed by his ever increasing Chinese comprehension! 

Strangely cute.

And that's how a typical day in our household goes. Not mentioned: the insanely messy kitchen, books strewn across the floor, scattered toys, and the number of times I had to bribe my kids to eat a bite of food.

Happy Tuesday!

Adult Toys

For Father's Day this year, we bought a new vacuum. For the last five years, we've been using a Shark Navigator Lift-Away. We bought it on sale and have enjoyed using it. Recently, the brush roll stopped working which has hindered the entire vacuum's efficiency. Something we learned early on in our marriage was good tools make undesirable chores more enjoyable. If you don't enjoy your vacuum, you're not going to want to vacuum. Losing the brush rolling feature on our vacuum greatly hindered our desire to vacuum and clean the house. Therefore, it was time to get a new one. Rather than purchase the part and continue putting money into fixing it (we already paid to have a new motor shipped a few years ago), we decided to purchase a new vacuum. We did some research, watched online review videos, and eventually settled on an LG Cordless stick vacuum. 

Old vacuum.

The two vacuums are not in the same tiers so to compare them side-by-side probably isn't fair. At first, I was really excited. Who doesn't love new toys, even when adulting? And then after the initial hype faded, I started to see some flaws I didn't like. 

Now that it's been a solid month of using it, I've compiled a few thoughts overall.

New vacuum!

1. I love cordless and being able to move from one room to the next. I never thought unplugging and replugging in the vacuum to clean different rooms in the house was that big of a deal. And honestly, it's not. But once you've experienced the freedom of a cordless vacuum and being able to just push it from room to room, it's really hard to go back.

2. Brush rolls which don't trap hair are a must. Some are called self-cleaning. Some are just brush rolls that don't wrap hair. Our old vacuum didn't have this, and cleaning hair off of the brush roll was a nightmare. I think I've pulled one hair off the brush roll in the last month. It's a game changer. All vacuums should have this feature. I don't think they should be allowed to make one that doesn't.

3. This vacuum has three power modes. Most of the time I use the second power mode. The first one isn't very powerful. Will it clean? Yes. But for most of my cleaning needs, I'm in the second power mode. Our old vacuum didn't have modes and was always very powerful. Being that this is a cordless vacuum, your battery run time matters so it can't run on high all the time if you want it to last more than a few minutes.

4. The dust cup is rather small. Keep in mind, this is a cordless stick vacuum. They can only make the dust cup so large. The vacuum itself is already top-heavy. With that, I almost have to empty it after every use. This sometimes means emptying it after I vacuum one room (because I pulled out the vacuum to clean one room.)

5. It's so much more convenient to use. At less than 6 pounds, I grab the vacuum to clean the kitchen after a messy meal with my kids. Or if I feel I'm stepping on a lot of crummies. I would never do this with a broom or even our old vacuum. Mentally, just knowing I'm grabbing a light little vacuum to quickly pick up some things makes a huge difference. And because it's only 6 pounds, you bet I'm going to teach my children to vacuum when they can safely hold it up....age 5? The pole length is also adjustable so I bet at the shortest setting, it will fit them perfectly. 😉 After all, it's never too late to start teaching children how to be competent members of a family. 

In conclusion, I'm happy with our switch to a cordless stick vacuum. If suction power is your top priority, it's probably not the best vacuum for you. When factoring in a lot of other considerations, I definitely think we made the right choice. 

A Day's Musings

I took my children to the playground this morning. In the mornings the temperature is still bearable, and we had some shade and wind to help. I pushed them over to the park by our house in our double stroller. Another one of our "best used buys" for the second child. 

My youngest is starting to walk. He still looks like a limping grandpa sometimes, but it's really cute to see him waddle around the house walking in circles from room to room. He gets into a lot of trouble. He climbs things he's not supposed to. He'll find nooks and crannies to plop himself down in and sit. 

My oldest is fiercely acting like a teenager. Threenagers are legit, let me tell you. She wants everything a certain way and it has to be done just like that. At the same time, she's great with using words to explain things to me. She has the memory of a dolphin - if I can't find something, I ask her where it is, and she can tell me where to find it. We were almost at a 100% streak but then she started not knowing where a few things were. Eh, gotta still give the kid some credit. Pretty nifty that I can use my three year old to find things for me. Most of the time. She also flips through books by herself while waiting for me or when playing by herself and loves playing my piano. I can already see it, my mini-me following in my footsteps.

At the playground, my son took off climbing up the steps. I followed him, and he went straight for one of the slides. At a previous park adventure this week, he figured out how to turn over onto his belly and slide down slowly. Today, that's all he did for 20-30 minutes straight. Climb up. Turn over, slide down. 

My kids are getting to that age where I don't have to stand next to them every single second. I can let them climb up by themselves and watch from below. Of course I don't go too far, I wasn't browsing my phone, and I was still watching them constantly, but I'm no longer an inch away.

I missed this phase with my daughter. When she just started to walk confidently, I was at home sick. Morning sick. I didn't take her to the playground, we didn't go outside to play. She just ran after her daddy when he wasn't working. That was a sad time for both her and me. 

Somehow the timelines of the last four years have alternated during this time of year. In 2017, I was sick. In 2018, we had a four month old. In 2019, I was sick. In 2020, we had a four month old. It's now 2021. Had I followed the trend, I'd be sick again. But I'm not, and I love it. And next year, we won't have a four month old again, and I'm totally fine with that, too. 

Instead, I get to soak in my baby boy's last waddles before he confidently takes off around the house, outside, and everywhere. 

It's hard being a mom, but I love it. 

For the Love of Vegetables

It makes me so sad that so many of my childhood memories revolve around conflict and troubles. I don't think that was the intention or goal, but unfortunately, it is what it is. One of these memories involved spaghetti.

My mother made spaghetti, but being the wonderful mother she was, she wanted us to eat our vegetables. How did she add vegetables to spaghetti? She cut it up into cubes and added it into the sauce. If my memory hasn't failed me, the vegetable she attempted to add was cucumber. Now you might be thinking, cucumber doesn't really belong in spaghetti. And I'm right there with you. It doesn't. And I didn't want to eat it. And I wasn't an anti-vegetable child. I just didn't want cucumber in my spaghetti. So I picked it out, didn't eat it, and a really big conflict ensued in our house. 

That's another story. And this was over 20 years ago. 

***

I made spaghetti this week. We hadn't had spaghetti in a while and it was an easy dinner, so I made some. We also had an abundance of squash and zucchini at our house which needed to be used before it went bad. I'd already been roasting it in the oven and even experimented with baking zucchini chips. So what did I do?

Yup, I added that zucchini and squash into my spaghetti. But unlike my mother, I did it with tact and caution. 

1. Blend it in.

My mother failed to blend it in. I know she wasn't trying to hide it, but if you're more than simply cooking food to eat, you would understand that food texture and shape has to be similar enough to blend or different enough to provide contrast. Adding cucumber to spaghetti? Definitely needs to be similar enough to blend in. You DON'T want your cucumber providing contrast in spaghetti. And my mother failed to do that. 

I, on the other hand, understood. So I julienned my zucchini and squash. And it blended into my spaghetti beautifully. My three-year-old and one-year-old both ate it with no complaints. 

2. Quantity Matters.

When adding a "foreigner" to a normal recipe, you can't overpower the usuals. I made sure not to add too much to keep it in the background of the dish. To go with my one pound of sausage and one pound of pasta, I added half a zucchini and half a squash. It turned out to be the perfect amount. I was actually thinking to myself as I was cooking that I may have been able to get away with a little more if I wanted to. But it was a really nice amount.

As much as I love my mother and as much as she took care of us, cooking was not her forte. I learned very little about cooking and food preparation from her. I watched cooking shows instead and put my tv time to good use. Jacques Pepin has always been my favorite. She always said, if I was going to watch so many cooking shows, I might as well learn something from it and cook. 

Yes, Mother. 

Oregano

I don't grow stuff outside. If you read one of my previous posts, you would have found links to all my failed growing projects. I'm lucky if I can grow grass. 

I was poking around outside one day, probably watering some grass, and I smelled something. It was familiar and fragrant. I found the plant producing this scent and then it clicked in my head because I'd just cooked with it recently. It was oregano.

Now I don't have a garden and I didn't plant any edibles intentionally. But this was unmistakably oregano. It's been there since we bought the house and has continued to grow year after year. I've never picked it or used it. Until now.

This year, I looked up when the best time to harvest oregano was and the best drying processes. I waited, and would occasionally sniff around the plant to see how strong the aroma was. I kept waiting. May passed. And then June arrived. Most websites I read told me to wait until the flowers start forming for the strongest flavor. Another website told me early June. So I watched and waited. 

Just before the middle of June, I saw some flower buds starting to form. A friend had just happened to visit me as well so the two of us cut a bunch of stems off and then tied them up to dry.

I cut a lot of oregano. This may turn into a yearly task.
Next year, I can ask my four-year-old to help me.

We hung them around my kitchen in bundles with twine. I had just elevated my kitchen from a normal updated kitchen to a rustic, Magnolia-style kitchen.

How can herbs tied with twine hung upside-down look so elegant? I have no idea.
We ended up moving these later.

Finding places to hang them to dry for 4-6 weeks was tricky. With young children, I couldn't hang them too low or else my one-year-old would grab at them. We opted to hang them from some upper cabinet handles on a built-in that doesn't get used often. 

After about two weeks, I realized some of the oregano leaves were starting to fall by themselves or if the bunches were disturbed  because of this, I made the decision to pull them all off the stems and continue to let them dry in a bowl  this probably isn’t the traditional fashion for drying oregano, but considering I wanted to save my oregano from the floor and ultimately the trash, this was the concession.

My big bowl of oregano leaves waiting to be ground down or crushed.

After about five weeks of drying, I ground them down and packed them into two old spice jars and a mason jar. So much oregano! I used them in cooking for the first time today. I'll be blogging about today's meal in a later post so stay tuned for that one. 

A Piano and a Teddy Bear

Three years ago today, we were in the car. I was sitting in the backseat with my daughter, who at the time, was three months old. My husband was driving. We were going to Austin for a wedding. During one of my daughter's naps, I was just staring at her calm, sleeping face, thinking. And I thought of my mother's birthday, and I thought of how I she'd never get to meet my daughter or any of my future babies. And then I started crying.

My husband heard me crying from the driver's seat and he reached his hand back. I reached up and held it for a while. He didn't know why I was crying, and he didn't really need to. 

When I raise my children now and deal with their various problems and quirks, I think back to my own mother and the problems and quirks she put up with when I was a child. She used to bring me special toys in the car with her to pick me up from school because I would request something to play with during the car ride home. She would hear me whimpering at night and come to me because I was afraid of the dark and too scared to get out of bed to go get her myself. She took care of me when I was sick.

I never was able to truly understand these things until I became a mother myself because I was so young when I lost her. But I think these actions and services brought her joy as a mother. Because I know they bring me joy. When my daughter asks me to make a specific meal for her and then eats it. When she tells me her stories of the day at night before bed and recount what we did together. When she asks me to play with her and read her specific books. And some of the requests she asks for can get ridiculous and nonsensical. But I do it because they bring me joy. 

When my mother died, we were deciding what to put on her gravestone. We wanted to pick four images, one for each corner. The four images we chose were a piano, a Bible, praying hands, and a teddy bear.

The funeral director looked at us, the children, when we chose these images: Are these images to represent your mother or you? Normally the teddy bear goes on child gravestones.

I remember hearing her words and not really processing them. I don't remember anyone trying to justify the choices. To be honest, why should she have cared? 

Later when we shared with the rest of the family what we had chosen, my grandmother said something very poignant.

You guys did such a great job choosing images to represent your mother. the Bible and praying hands represented her faith. She loved listening and watching you play piano. And she loved watching you play with your stuffed animals. They brought her joy.

The piano and teddy bear did not represent her as a person, but they symbolized her role as a mother and the effect we had on her with our lives as well as our importance to her. I have no regrets about what is on her gravestone. Not once have I ever visited and thought to myself, it's strange to see a piano and a teddy bear.

Happy Birthday, Mommy.

Top Secret Writing

Today is Lou Gehrig's birthday. It's a random fact I came across when I was doing some fact-checking for this blog. I'm not a baseball fan and I've never been, but I know the generalities of his fame and I know he had a disease. Most people know it as "Lou Gehrig's disease", but it's actually called amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. So why is he actually so poignant in my memories? 

***

We were taking a test in 8th grade. My teacher specifically said, "After the test you can do whatever you want," because all they really want you to do is stay quiet and not disturb anyone else. Well, they also don't want you to cheat.

I took my test, didn't talk, didn't cheat off anyone, and turned it in. Then, following my teacher's directions, I pulled out my planner and started writing. It's what I did in 8th grade. I'd write little journal entries or random stream of consciousness in the empty dates we didn't use in our planners - fall break, Thanksgiving holiday, Christmas vacation, etc. These were my secret diary entries. Back then, my planner had some teenage top secret writing. Why did I do this? Because it was something I had with me at all times. It ended up being the most convenient place to jot down random thoughts.

My teacher saw me writing in my planner, got up from his desk, and came over to the side of my desk. Without framing anything, he said to me, "Show me what you're writing." 

Now I'm sitting there, and knowing what I was writing, I said, "No." I had my hand gently covering my planner and looked at him. He may have asked me again, but I don't remember. What I do remember is him grabbing my planner from beneath my hand and reading it. 

My hand smeared the pencil I'd just freshly written.

He read it, gave it back to me, and said, "Oh. It's just a journal entry of some sort." He walked back to his desk, sat down, and the testing resumed. (I doubt any cheating had actually happened during that ordeal, but if it did, it was the most opportune time for it to happen because he clearly wasn't watching the rest of the class.)

I remember what that journal entry was about, not in crystal clear details with vivid descriptions, but I remember why I wanted to write it down. I'd had a dream the night before. In that dream, I had Lou Gehrig's disease, and I was in a wheelchair. 

And that's it.

This event forever changed my view of this teacher. What once was an enjoyable class where I made decent grades turned into dread at having picked a seat right in front of the teacher's desk. (We NEVER changed seats that year BTW.)

Here's what should have happened.

The teacher should have come over and asked to read what I was writing. I would have responded, "No." He should have told me to take my planner and go with him to the corner of the classroom where he could still keep an eye on the rest of the class. Then, he should have asked me privately, "Are you writing down answers from the test?" I would have responded, "No." And he may have followed up with requesting to see my planner to make sure I was being honest. Then, I would have begrudgingly shown him my planner in order to prove my honesty despite not wanting anyone reading my private thoughts. He would have seen what it was about, realized I was not cheating, and we both would have returned to our desks with no less dignity than we started. 

But, alas, that is not how it played out.

***

I no longer have my school planners anymore. I got rid of them a while back during a cleaning purge. I didn't catalogue or save any of these journal entries hidden throughout the pages, but that's okay. What's important will be remembered in its own way.

How do you want to be remembered? 

We're Painting Again: Part 3

We finished painting my studio shelves! It's been about a month now. Since we finished, I had to wrap up another school year of teaching, finish making my student recital video, we took our first road trip in over a year and a half (this time with TWO children), and then I had to get ready for my summer teaching schedule.

I'm so happy with the way it turned out. Is it perfect? Nope. It was definitely one of my faster projects and I rushed through some parts. Also, with all the rain we've been having, paint dries pretty slowly so painting the cabinet doors and shelves was a little difficult to maximize brushes and paint. I actually put on two coats of primer and two coats of paint in 5.5 hours. 😳 

Don't ask me to do it again though, I'm not sure I could unless it were 100 degrees outside

So how does this compare cost wise to hiring out? Let's take a look.

I'm assuming that a professional painter would have quoted me anywhere from $750-$1000+ in addition to the cost of paint to complete this. And it would have taken about 3 days. I'd mentioned in part 1 I would not have allowed them to use a sprayer to paint this despite it being the quickest and easiest way to do so because I have a semi-concert grand piano in the same room. So for simplicity and estimation, I'm going to use $1,000 as the cost to hire out and get this job done.

Here's a complete list of materials and their complete cost. Different retailers price differently so these are the approximate actual prices we paid from various retailers:

Zinser Primer 1 gallon: $24

Benjamin Moore Paint 1 gallon: $60

24 Paint Rollers: $10

Zibra Paint Brush: $10

Painting Pyramids: $12

TSP Cleaner: $6

1 roll of Painter's Tape: $3

Sanding Materials*: $5

Wood Putty: $5

Paint Pourer: $1

Total: $136 + tax : $150 to round up.

*we already had an orbital sander and sanding sheets to use which saved us so much time with this project. The other option is to buy sanding blocks which is what accounts for the $5.

Let's take a look at the actual cost of materials for this specific project though. 

Zinser Primer 1 gallon: $24 --> actual used was 1/4 gallon: $6

Benjamin Moore Paint 1 gallon: $60 --> actual used was 1/5 gallon: $12

24 Paint Rollers: $10 --> actual used was 3 rollers: $1.25

Zibra Paintbrush: $10 --> this was a new cost. so actual is still $10. but this brush is amazing and worth all the money.

Painting Pyramids: $12 --> we bought this when we first started painting so they've been used a multitude of times. we'll call it $1

TSP Cleaner: $6 --> actual used is almost negligible because you dilute the bottle and then spray to clean so we'll call it $1

1 roll of Painter's Tape: $3 --> actual used was probably 1/3 of a roll: $1

Sanding Materials*: $5 --> I clarified above what the $5 means so we will keep it for the actual: $5 

Wood Putty: $5 --> actual used 1/5: $1

Paint Pourer: $1 --> we've used this paint pourer so many times through various projects I think it has earned it's worth. : $0

Actual Total: $38

If you go one step further and actually look at how much of this was new money spent, that would only include the Zibra paintbrush and the 24 pack of paint rollers. So the true actual amount of new money spent on this project was $11.25.

The total number of hours we spent on doing this was approximately 10-15 hours of labor spread across 3 weeks. Considering this wasn't time being taken from anything else we would have done normally, I'd say it's almost negligible. We may have lost some hours of Netflix or browsing our phones, but I think we picked a much more productive way to spend our 15 hours of time. 

Now if you're attentive or extra observant or have experience painting, you might be wondering, there were no paint trays mentioned in the list of materials used. What in the world were you painting out of?

Well I'll tell you. We were painting out of to-go containers! 

Over the years we've amassed so many of these in ever so slightly different shapes that organizing them in our kitchen cabinets was getting to be more annoying than it was worth. So we poured our primer and paint into them to paint. Total cost? $0! (If you want to be super technical, there was a cost to pay for the food originally contained in them, but let's not do that.)

So there you have it, a complete break down of what we used and the total cost of this project. As I've already said, and if you can't already tell, I'm super happy with this project and the way it turned out. 

I need some more shelves. In due time.

We saved ourselves around $988.75! Worth it? Worth it. 🙂

Greener on the Sides

We've always had issues with growing grass in our yard at this house. We bought the house knowing it didn't have a working sprinkler system. Unfortunately, this gets in the way of growing grass, especially trying to grow grass in places which don't already have grass. Over the years, I've stood outside and watered the lawn by hand. We've also purchased a variety of lawn watering gadgets and tried them throughout the years. You know what the best way to water your yard is?

Rain.

Each spring, I love the rain and how much our grass grows because of it. It's been the sustaining factor in keeping our grass alive through the winter and year after year. Yes, I supplement here and there from July-September, but the rain we get in the spring is invaluable for our yard.

This year was the first year when I really thought to myself, this is too much rain. As someone without working sprinklers, the rain is the only time our entire yard gets a good soak. It's really gotten soaked this year. And we could really use some more sunshine to accompany all the rain.

Every year we clean out our gutters and pull out some of the richest compost made with no work on our part except to get it out of our gutter. It's terrible for the drainage, but makes some amazing compost. This year, I took that compost and I dumped it on the side of the house in a part of the lawn that was especially low. There was a tree cut down on the side of the yard before we moved in, and a few years after we moved in, we had the stump ground up. It left a bit of a hole that would sink year after year because of the loose soil and rain. 

This year, I filled it. And with all the rain that's been falling, the grass has been spreading and filling in over the hole all by itself. 

This is the current state of what the hole looks like. As you can see, it's lots of grass and a little hole of dirt in the middle. Every now and then I'll give it some extra water to keep the soil moist, but with all the rain we've been getting, Mother Nature has been doing her own thing. You want to know how big the soil patch started out when I first dumped the compost there?

Everything within the red circle used to be a patch of dirt. I planted no sod, no plugs, no fertilizer, did absolutely nothing except water it here and there along with the natural rain. This photo was taken on June 5, 2021. I'll have to do an update when the entire hole is filled by grass and no more soil is visible.

Sadly, this may be my first successful planting "experiment." I know I've posted about other ones, but sadly, those all ended in failures which is why I haven't updated. The astilbe? Gone. Gardenias? Gone. However, the succulent basket I wrote about in the gardenia post has thrived! 

I'm not the greatest with plants at all. Growing things (as are raising children) is a very hands-on process. I think right now the children have taken priority whether or not I like it. But as they get older, I'd like to spend more time outside growing things, even if it's just filling in the soil patches in my yard with real grass. 

The Other Woman

The summer after 8th grade, my dad took my brother and I on a road trip. We drove Northwest and visited Yellowstone National Park, Devil's Tower, Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse, and probably some other parks and landmarks I'm missing. My brother and I were your typical teenagers. We would sit in the car and listen to our music or play on the computer while my dad drove. 

At the end of this scenic road trip, we ended up in Kirkland, Washington. At the time, in my head, we were in the middle of nowhere. We'd never ventured this far northwest before, and I didn't know anyone who lived there. But my dad did. At the time, we'd hear him talking on the phone at night on the weekends for an extended period of time. We didn't know who he was on the phone with, but we were old enough and keen enough to be able to make some inferences.

I remember my dad pulling onto this street and telling us we'd arrived. We were parked in front of a house I didn't recognize in an area where houses looked different than what we were used to seeing in Texas. We grabbed our suitcases and walked up to the front door. A woman opened the door and let us in. She took us downstairs to the basement where we'd be staying. Of course, the only thing we cared about was if there was wifi and how to log on. And she did that, too. Great.

The next morning, we got up and ate breakfast together. All four of us sat at the table and ate breakfast. We didn't do this at home when it was just the three of us. Each of us ran on our own schedule. My dad went to work. We went to school. And on weekends when we were home, we were all in our own little world. 

All four of us sat at the table and ate breakfast for two hours. I can't remember what we ate for breakfast that day, and I know I finished eating probably after about 30 minutes. And that was stretching out my eating. For the rest of the time, she and my dad talked. We maybe replied to a question occasionally, but most of the time, they talked to each other, and we sat there and watched and listened. I can't remember how breakfast finally ended, but my brother and I felt very very awkward. 

One night, we all went to Red Lobster for dinner. She and my dad sat next to each other in the booth and my brother and I sat next to each other across from them. We ate dinner, and once again, most of the conversation was had by the two of them while my brother and I sat quietly, ate, and listened. The rest of the dinner is fuzzy, but I remember thinking to myself: We look like a normal family of four, a father, a mother, a son, and a daughter, eating dinner together.....but we're not.

After dinner, she took us to a park with a path along the shoreline. We walked for a bit, and she pointed out that this was the dry side of Washington. If we crossed the lake to the other side, that was Seattle, the wetter side. 

We left Washington and continued the rest of our road trip back home. We drove through Colorado and stopped at Arches National Park. We went to see the cliff dwellings at Mesa Verde National Park. Both of these were great parks. I didn't near appreciate it as much then as I would now if I went back, but we also didn't explore either to their full extent.

After coming back home, my dad asked us at dinner one night what we thought of the woman in Washington. Neither of us said much. We didn't know what to say. Did we like her? What does it mean to like her? As a person? As the role she would fill? Did we even want that role filled? Time passed and the phone calls stopped. We never heard anything about her after that. We never went back to visit. To this day I can't remember what her name was. 

For the last 12 years, someone else has taken over that "spot." And throughout these years I've been learning more about myself, my grief, and the sore spots you shouldn't mess with ever. And sometimes, I remember all the way back to when we drove out on a random road trip to meet a random woman I didn't know. And however awkward it felt at the time, I now realize, that would have been fine. The awkwardness may have remained in a way, but everything would have worked together much better.  I didn't know it at the time, but I liked the other woman. I liked her poise, her personality, and who she was. I discussed this with a friend, and he phrased the exact revelation I came to in such an elegant way.

She was self-confident and mature, and she understood her potential role in your life. Yes. She did not pretend to be something she could not be.

I never wanted another mother much less a stepmother. I never wanted another grandmother for my children. I never wanted someone to waltz into my life and fill the hole. The hole is still there. It always will be. I wanted someone to be a companion to my dad and realize that she was nobody special to me unless I wanted her to be because those are separate roles. And I wanted her to realize even if I never wanted her to be anyone in my life, that was okay, and to let it be okay. 

I liked the other woman.