1,288 Words

My dad and I have probably the best relationship with each other now than we've ever had in my life since adolescence. I'm excluding childhood because I honestly don't remember what my relationship with him was like, although there are photos of him holding me and I look genuinely joyful. If you knew me well in my teenage and early adult years, you would have known that my dad and I were basically roommates living under the same roof. He worked to earn money, cooked our food, and paid the bills so we had somewhere safe to live and chauffeured us to places we needed to me. When I got my driver's license at 16, his chauffeuring duties ended, but the other roles remained. During my years in college, his cooking services were less necessary because I ate in the dining halls or cooked for myself during the year I lived in an apartment. After I graduated, I moved overseas for a year, and it was the first time I paid for everything by myself or had it arranged for me through my company - housing, food, and transportation.

After moving back home one year later, I lived at home for a year before getting married and moving out of my dad's house again - this time, permanently. During all these years, we didn't talk to each other. Our personalities really clash with each other. My dad doesn't really understand implications, and if he does, he doesn't show it. He takes a lot of things at face value, probably a large reason why he was so good at math and science. You can't assume in these fields. You prove it, or you see it. Compounded on top of adolescence and a growing desire for independence, not to mention the lack of a true foundational relationship during childhood, I was left with a very shaky pile of rocks called the "foundation" of our relationship. I've written about the epitome, arguably what was the catalyst to the breaking point of our relationship. 

For a long time, I didn't really want a relationship with my dad. I wanted not to need him because needing him felt harder than not needing him. I could take care of myself and be self-sufficient. Honestly, that was easy. Needing him? That felt like dead weight. So I forced myself not to. I found a way to do everything I could by myself. 

I get sad writing about this.  It's probably because I have my own children now. It's probably because I'm getting older and I'm not that young and fearless twenty-one-year-old anymore freshly out of college.  The older I get the more valuable time becomes. I say it like I'm dying, and to my knowledge I'm not, but it's true. Our time is shorter as we get older. And because of that, its value increases. I already know how valuable time is because I've experienced how short it can be with the time I had my mother. My daughter is one year away from being the age I was when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I can still picture myself in her hospital room when she was first diagnosed being oblivious to what was going on and enamored by the beef broth powder I could add to hot water and sip on. And now, I'm the mother who could at any time be the one given a diagnosis with a definite time to live. I digress.

Things with my dad got better after I had kids. Better in the sense that we visited a little more so he could see the kids. I don't think we truly started having a relationship with each other until the last 1-2 years. It's weird thinking about it that way, like the daughter he once had suddenly went from being a little girl to someone in her mid thirties. And the father I once had suddenly went from being the invincible male figure who (I thought) could type at lightning fast speeds (he doesn't) to the gray-haired, balding, fragile person who has slowed his pace when he walks.  

He and I got into a big fight a few years back. I don't approve of his life choices and certain decisions he makes. I realize they are out of my control because he is the one making his decisions, but his decision-making capabilities are diminishing and I am trying to intercede for him to assist. You won't believe what our fight was about: plastic bags. I kid you not there are probably hundreds if not thousands of plastic bags (plastic shopping t-shirt bags) in his house bagged inside of each other and thrown in various closets, strewn in hallways, shoved on shelves. I told him he needed to get rid of them to keep things tidier and not have everything in such a mess because it's a tripping hazard for him and it reduces the space for him to walk and get around his own house. He didn't listen. He actually got angry at me and yelled, "You don't know how I grew up."

He's right, I don't know how he grew up. And honestly, I have no idea what he meant by that statement. Maybe he grew up with clutter and he doesn't mind. Maybe he's used to it after so long and doesn't care. 

I was angry. I was very, very angry. And I yelled back at him.

"You don't know what it's like not to have a mother."

My grandmother was alive when my dad and I had this argument. My dad, a man in his seventies, still had a living mother, whereas I was without one at 13 and had spent over 20 years grieving already. I don't know if my dad understood the full implication of my statement. No, my dad did not know what it was like to lose a mother yet. But he also did not understand what it was like to watch someone else take over the house my mother spent her last days in. To trash the things she didn't want regardless of what it was. To leave the house in such disarray and mess. To buy things endlessly and stash them all over the place, never to be used. To shamelessly throw away my mother's photograph and expect no consequence or fault. 

Since this argument with my dad, things got better - my relationship with him, that is, not the condition of his living space. When I say we have the best relationship we've ever had, the bar is still very low. This means we have conversations with each other about everyday things. I tell him about the new grocery store I went to. I tell him about the piano competition my student placed in. I tell him about which days my kids get off from school. We have lunch together and I bring food I cooked. He tells me about his doctor appointments for his health ailments. He tells me about a restaurant he ate at. It's mundane. But it's the best we've ever had. 

My grandmother, my last living grandparent, died this week. We've always lived halfway across the world from each other so I never really knew her as a person. My entire family went to go see her last year, and that would be the last time we would see her. She lived almost twice the years my mother had on this earth. We are going back again this year, but my grandmother won't be there. I know this visit will feel different. I know it will be different. 

My dad can now begin to glimpse what I've already known. I am sad for him.  

Dehydrating #5 and #6

Life has been busy. I'm finally getting around to writing the next part of my dehydrating series! 

Apple Chips

I made apple chips! Typically, I'm not a fan of apples. I think I've been scarred growing up eating fruit. My dad didn't cut the core out of the apple. He would just cut the apple and hand me and my brother each a half. I ate around the core but did so pretty sloppily so a lot of the apple went to the trash. I'd also get in trouble for eating it sloppily so I hid my apple trash in various places around the house so they wouldn't be found. Needless to say, I don't have good memories eating apples.

Lesson to parents: just cut the core out of apples for your kids. Do it forever if you can. One day they will notice.

I bought apples specifically to dehydrate for this "experiment." They turned out well! It made me actually want to eat apples.

 

It's been so long I honestly can't remember what temperature I dehydrated them at anymore. I would think I did about 135 degrees for 8-10 hours as that is pretty standard for dehydrating. I did both regular apples and cinnamon apples. My preference was for the cinnamon apples because they had a sweetening effect on the apples. 

As you can see from the photo, I had to cut my apple in half and then slice into semi-circle shaped slices. Ideally, I would have loved to be able to slice them in a donut shape with the center cored out. However, my mandolin would not fit my apple all the way across in diameter so I had to slice. They are more aesthetically pleasing as cored out rounds, but that would also affect the dehydrating time because the pieces would be larger. 

Kani Crab

I was inspired to try dehydrating Kani Crab because I saw someone do an air fryer recipe. I actually tried the air fryer recipe in our toaster oven as well and it didn't turn out like the video...so I adapted it for myself.

The consistency of these was not there because I bought kani in strips and pulled them apart by hand. The pieces were not evenly sized so they cooked at different rates. Some pieces were perfect, some were still on the chewy side, and some were overcooked and too brown. 

I attempted to make this two times. The first time, my temperature was too high and the pieces were uneven so we had a gamut of overcooked, perfect, and not cooked enough.  The second time, I think my temperature was too low but the pieces were more uniform. As a result, they ended up hard and tough, not light and airy as I'd hoped. I think I'd aim for a temperature of around 380 degrees for 15 minutes and tweak from there if I were to try again. 

The video I originally saw was great inspiration to make these, but the results just didn't turn out as I'd expected. There was a lot of flavor within each piece, but because I didn't perfect the cooking instructions, it wasn't completely enjoyable for the work it entailed. If I were to commit unlimited time and resources, I would further develop this recipe. However, I don't think I will.

No Use Crying Over Spilled Beads

I started a new craft project this year. I was inspired after seeing a social media post and decided I could make it myself. I''m not revealing what I made just yet but I will reveal the supplies I purchased and what happened to hinder my progress.

My project this year was related to beads. I had to do some research before beginning on this project because I'm not someone who likes to start projects and not finish them. If I'm going to start something, I'm going to be 80% confident I can see it through to the end. After doing some research and learning about the types of beads I needed (bugle beads and seed beads), I purchased them and they arrived on January 4th. I was mesmerized by how small these seed beads are and how pretty they can be when they reflect light. 

I had been on a groove and was really enjoying my pockets of time getting to listen to an audiobook and work on my craft. Things were going great. Then, three weeks later to the day, disaster struck. I was on the couch with my craft station set up when my tray of beads slipped off the couch onto the rug below.  

Every single bead fell out of the case...and was piled into the glass bowl seen adjacent.

I didn't scream when it happened but I was in so much shock. These beads are so tiny. You have to see them to really understand, but they're smaller than a grain of rice. They're probably about 1/3 to 1/2 the size of a grain of rice. I kid you not, these are small. The original product listing said this was a pack of 24,000 beads. I'm pretty sure I spilled at least 20,000 of them...

It didn't occur to me at the time, but I could have spent about $10 and just purchased a new one instead of bothering with sorting them back into colors. The problem was, this was during the week of the freeze in town when everything sat at a standstill for about 2 days. Even if I had ordered it again from Amazon, it wouldn't have arrived until 2-3 days later. 

 I got to work picking out each color one by one.  

One hour of hard work.

After an hour, this was how much I got done. Certain colors were easy to spot and separate. Other colors were so close to each other and looking at them all swirled together was making my head spin. 

Four days later, I made significant progress:
 

Four days of hard work.
 

After days of sorting these minuscule beads, I had come to the conclusion my colors were not going to go back to the original categories which they came. Iridescent clear, iridescent pink, and iridescent blue looked identical unless I shined a light at just the right angle. The two greens which came in the original pack were now indistinguishable. Orange and magenta looked the same. The original five different shades of blue all looked the same now. These were just going to be blends.

Once I had a good number of beads sorted, I could resume my crafting again. I was actually able to make great progress in February and so far in March with my original projects. Periodically, I'd continue sorting the beads from the glass bowl, but eventually, I reached a point where the remaining colors in the glass bowl complemented each other in their own blend.  

It's hard to tell, but the seed beads in the glass bowl only fill one layer now - a far cry from the 20,000+ originally spilled....

With a quick math estimation, I've used approximately 8,000 beads. Eventually in the future, I will need to sort the rest of the beads back into the bead case whether that be sorted into the correct colors or creating a new section for the blend. My glass container needs to return to the kitchen eventually.

There were many times I wanted to give up on sorting these beads and scrap the project entirely or just buy a new box and start over. It's absolutely true the $10 to buy a new box of beads is more "efficient" than taking the time to sort the ones I spilled. However, the satisfaction I have from knowing I sorted these beads back into their colors gives me strength and encouragement to know I can overcome difficulties and do hard things. No matter how many struggles we face, sometimes, we still need reminders to know it's possible and we can do it. 

In a few months, I will be ready to reveal my craft, but not yet. :)  

Critical Thinking Loves Creativity

When I first got pregnant, I loved baby/children's consignments. They were exciting, fun and I could go to one place and be bombarded by all the baby clothes and gear I could ever dream of. It was amazing to see such low prices because new baby things are costly. We didn't buy everything second hand and there are items I would not recommend getting second hand, but it was so much fun for me to walk through the consignment and get early access as a first-time mom. This was over 8 years ago. I haven't been to a consignment in the last 5-6 years because by the time I got pregnant with my second, we basically already had everything. 

A few weeks ago, I went to a kids consignment again for the first time in years. I didn't have anything in mind for things my kids needed, but I was curious to go look. I went over during their half price sale on a Monday evening and we ended up perusing for about an hour.

A lot of the good stuff had been picked over - I wasn't surprised - and what was left was consolidated into one large room. I wandered over to the shoes to see what they had and didn't see anything for my daughter. Then I went around the perimeter and found the boys shoes. There were a few contenders I debated. Then, I wandered over to the toy section. I was originally looking for roller blades but the ones they had probably sold pretty quickly at regular price. While perusing the toys, I saw old toys we used to have which have been passed on to other families and friends over the years. It was a little sad being reminded of the toys my children used to play with, but honestly, it was a lot of clutter and a trip hazard when at our house. I'm thankful for that phase of life we had, but I'm also thankful to be in our current phase of life.

Lastly, I wandered the aisles of clothing left on the racks. My daughter doesn't own any jeans because I got rid of all the ones we had at one point due to her reluctance to wear them. We've gotten to a place where although she still doesn't like wearing jeans, it would be nice to still have a pair. I browsed the aisle and saw a few pairs with tacky designs or faux rips on them. Those were not what I wanted. As I wandered the second aisle, a pair of jeggings in a basic blue wash caught my eye. They looked pristine as what happens with a lot of items at consignments. 

This is the exact pair of jeggings I found sold new on the retailer website. 
When I went to the consignment, these jeggings were listed at $12.99

 
Then I saw it. The imperfection. The reason why other moms and dads did not purchase this and put it back on the rack. The adjustable waist elastic was missing on one side. 

I'll spoil it for you now: I bought them. At $2.25,  this was a great deal. And I'll break down for you why I did.

1. I did notice the missing elastic. I'm a saavy enough shopper and observant enough mother to notice details like this. I'm also experienced enough to know how manufacturers make these elastic adjustable waistbands. I saw that the elastic was buttoned on one side of the jeggings and missing on the other. These elastics are one piece which meant the "missing" side had to be lost inside the waistband of the jeggings. I felt around, and sure enough, I found the lost end of the elastic hiding inside the waistband. 

2. Could I fix it? Yes, I was confident I could. Last fall, I replaced the elastic in one of our queen sheets. 

After coming home, I got right to work. From the opening in the waistband to where the elastic had slipped to, it was about 7-8 inches in. I needed something long and firm enough for me to grab a hold of the elastic and pull it out. I'm no sewing and alterations expert, but my critical thinking skills are good enough to where I've solved a number of life problems with creative solutions. I grabbed a metal chopstick from our kitchen drawer and stuck it through the waistband. When I had gotten a hold of the elastic, I attempted to guess where a buttonhole was to loop the end of the chopstick through so I could pull the elastic out. 

I worked in slow increments, making sure to hold the elastic every time I pulled it closer toward the opening a few inches at a time. I had managed to use the chopstick and pull the elastic out almost to the opening. I was trying to figure out how to angle the chopstick to get the elastic out of the hole when the elastic fell off the tip of my chopstick and slipped back in. It didn't recede nearly as far back as originally, but I had to pull it back out a good 3 inches or so. 

On my second try, I got it out and securely buttoned to complete the adjustable waistband. This pair of jeggings was like new again and completely adjustable. It took me about 5-7 minutes from start to finish. For over $10 in savings compared to buying new, I'll take it!  

As annoying as it can be to see my children put deflated ballons in a water bottle and call it an "experiment", use medicine dosage cups as maracas, or tape paper onto colored pencils and call it a sign, this is the start of their creative journey. And when paired with the right amount of intelligence, you never know what beautiful successes are coming for them. Because I still amaze myself at my own.  😄

Dehydrating #4: Green Onions

During the winter, green onions become more expensive and Costco stops carrying them for a while because they're more expensive to source. We were at Costco last week and found them again! I don't think I'll actually be buying my green onions from Costco anymore as I found a new grocery store nearby with better pricing, but this batch was from Costco.

We got so excited we bought 3 bags: 6 pounds of green onion. Normally, I don't buy this much at one time. However, I had come across the idea of dehydrating my own green onions at home a few months ago. To my dismay, that's when green onion prices were going up so I had to wait a while to get them again in bulk.

Green onions took a long time to dry. I didn't cut them into especially small pieces because I didn't want them falling through my grates. Most of mine were cut into 1-1.5 inch pieces. I didn't end up separating the greens and whites because it was experimental so I was just going to see what would happen. 

 

 

I ended up filling five trays of green onion into my toaster oven. I used the dehydrate setting and put it at 135 degrees F. The original time was set for 10 hours and I ran it overnight. The next morning, I went to check and the vast majority of them were not dry enough to store. I maybe removed one tray of the smaller greens which had finished dehydrating, but the rest of the pieces were left in the oven again to continue.

 

At the end of the day, the thickest pieces needed about 26-30 hours of dehydrating before they were dry enough to store. I put them into glass jars and added a silica gel packet to each jar. I have a ton of these from the probiotics I take so I'm glad to have another use for them besides simply throwing them away.  

They're really just a healthier version of the "vegetable" packet you receive when you make instant noodles. But I like that they're healthier and I know it's a pure green onion. Because I cut my pieces larger, they're still on the larger side even dehydrated. It's so convenient to be able to store them in my pantry and just toss some into a dish as I'm cooking.

I do think these work best for soups and stews because if they don't re-hydrate with enough moisture, the texture is a little strange to eat. I have an idea to grind some up into smaller pieces and adding to food that doesn't require a lot of moisture as a garnish. 

Personally, I do still enjoy having diced pieces of green onion in my freezer. It mimics the fresh green onion feel without having to keep it fresh in the refrigerator all the time. My freezer space is very valuable so being able to store it in a cabinet or pantry is a plus as well. I think I will try to keep some of both in the house so depending on the various dishes I'm making, I can choose to use the freezer stash or the pantry stash.

If I were to dehydrate these again, which I probably will, I would definitely separate the whites from the greens. If not completely, I would at least put them on separate trays when dehydrating so I can just remove the trays of greens first and keep the trays of whites in longer.  

Another change I would make is the shape of the green onion. I wouldn't necessarily cut them smaller, but I would cut them on a bias instead of cutting them straight into cylinders.  This exposes more surface area and would shorten the drying time very slightly because all the moisture is held between the layers of the green onion. Cutting it on a bias opens up the layers more.

Another thought I had would be to keep the root of the green onion intact and slice it lengthwise into skinny strips and dehydrating the whole green onion that way. I don't know that I could use the green onion in that shape directly, but it would also be a way to speed up the dehydrating process because there is so much moisture inside the layers, especially at the bottom.  

I'm about to chop up the remainder of my green onions to add to my freezer stash! 

Educated Guessing

About a month and a half ago, I did a craft with some kids and used toilet paper cardboard rolls. I gathered all the ones I had saved up in our house at the time and brought them to be used. The kids had a lot of fun with our project and I had no more toilet paper cardboard rolls at our house. I always save them because we use them for various purposes around the house.

• DIY firestarters by filling them with dryer lint
• trash can tampers
• plant seedling starters
• craft uses

After the craft I did with the kids, we started over from zero. This week out of curiosity, I counted how many we had - 5. 

There's one more in a different bathroom.

 
Now in the last approximately 45 days, I didn't make any DIY firestarters, I didn't make any plant seedling starters, and I haven't done any more crafts. If I used any as trash can tampers, I wouldn't know anymore because they get trashed after pushing the trash down. My guess is we used at least 1-2 to tamp down the bathroom trash.

Using my best educated guessing, I'd guess in the last month and a half, we used the 5 rolls of toilet paper which I have cardboard rolls from, 2 rolls for tamping trash, and maybe another 2 rolls for margin of error.  That would put our toilet paper usage at approximately 9 rolls of toilet paper in the last 45 days. 

I don't think most people know how fast their toilet paper gets used. I really didn't until I did some math just now. The only other way people know how fast their toilet paper gets used is if they realize they're buying it very quickly. This happened to me in college when my roommate and I seemed to be going through a roll of toiler paper per day. It wasn't me...

Something that's always been in the back of my mind has been how much daily living essentials cost us. Food is food and calculating it is kind of irrelevant because when we're hungry, we're going to need to eat. Whether that comes from our refrigerator, freezer, pantry, or in the form of takeout, I'm not going to deny hunger requests. Food and groceries are rather easy to calculate because we buy them frequently.

I'm talking about the daily living essentials like toiler paper,  toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face cleanser. How long do these actually last us and how much are we spending on them? 

I used to see the price of an expensive face cream and scoff a bit because it cost so much. Now that I'm older, Ive begun justifying buying these because I know they last a long time. I was gifted a face moisturizer for my birthday a few years back and I used it for at least six months if I remember correctly. Sure, the upfront cost seems steep, but when you calculate it out for how long it lasts, you end up at around a quarter per day. I can justify that. 

Anyone else out there actually think about these things?  

The Dying Conscience

Lately, and by lately I mean in the last 1-2 years, I've been noticing a lot more crazy driving out on the roads. Just this morning alone, I was driving back from the store to my house - so 2.5 miles from my house, a mere 10 minute drive - when I witnessed all of the following:

- A car slowed down because it knew there was a cop checking speeds up ahead.
- The same car left turned at a red light after significantly missing it (as in it didn't barely turn red, it was a solid 1-2 seconds) because it didn't want to wait the 1 minute 30 second cycle in order for the next turn arrow to appear.
- While I was in the left turn lane waiting for my arrow, a car turned left on his green light when a car was going straight dangerously close and got honked at. With any difference in seconds, it could have been a collision happening right in front of my eyes.

I understand there are crazy drivers out there, but for me to witness the last two bullet points within 5 minutes of each other at the same intersection was a little beyond coincidence in my opinion. 

This is not to say the countless number of other times I've witnessed crazy driving. We live next to a school in our neighborhood and the school zone lasts an additional 15 minutes after the elementary school starts school. It seems cars forget the school zone still exists during these 15 minutes because when I pull out to take my daughter to her school, numerous cars tailgate me and a few have even illegally passed me because I was "driving too slowly." It's infuriating. Lately, I've seen cops on the road during this time and I get a certain amount of satisfaction hoping these cars seemingly unaware of the school zone will get ticketed. 

In November of last year, I was driving my daughter home from school and we were going down a road that gets fairly busy in the afternoon rush hour. The left turn lane had backed up pretty far. Three women on motorcycles were driving in front of me in the left lane. At the light, they swung over into the front of the left turn lane in front of the first car waiting. I was going straight so I kept driving, but I was left with a very bad feeling. I know motorcycles are small, but since when was it acceptable to cut off 10+ cars? 

You think this is an isolated incident?

We were driving home one evening and were stopped at the same intersection mentioned in the very beginning waiting for our left turn. We were the first car stopped and a motorcycle was behind us. Before I knew it, the motorcycle went around our car and planted himself in front of our car in the left turn lane. 🤯 

Both of these happened within months of each other. 

I can't imagine I'm just "lucky" enough to witness all of these incidents and that this "isn't the average person." I've never been the lucky one. There's no way I'm getting lucky here and all of these people just happen to break the rules while I'm around. And this is where setting an example matters. I'm getting worked up just writing this post and thinking back on all the traffic violations I've witnessed which haven't been caught. The more of these incidents I see, the more I feel a part of the "good" inside me wanting to die. And it both breaks my heart and feels so cruel that I can't do it, because if I do, I become one of them. For whatever it's worth, that is the absolute last thing I'd ever want to do with my life.  

Going back to the first scenario I witnessed just this morning. I was impressed all the cars around me within my visible line of sight did not get pulled over by the cop who was checking speeds. But as soon as I saw that car left turn on the red light because he/she was too impatient and selfish to wait for the next cycle, I lost any neutrality I felt. What good is following the rules if you only do it when you know you're being watched?

I don't know the person in the car personally. Could there have been other reasons I can't see because I don't know the person? Absolutely. But based on what I saw alone, these are the conclusions I'm drawing.  

I don't believe following the rules in this life is worth it for ourselves. Because there is always someone out there breaking the rules who can get away with it. However, I do believe we must follow the rules in this life in order to receive something that is worth it in the long haul. What is the treasure that is truly worth it? Leaving a legacy of respect, honor, and one worth passing down. This isn't witnessed in day to day actions alone, but takes years of consistency to build.

That's hard.